


Let's Take Some E!

by clio_jlh



Series: Imagine Me and You [17]
Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: First Time, Humor, M/M, RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-11-16
Updated: 2007-11-16
Packaged: 2017-10-03 22:03:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clio_jlh/pseuds/clio_jlh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Giuliana thinks Joel has a crush on Ryan.  Simon thinks Ryan should just do something about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let's Take Some E!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm starting to agree with Giuliana Rancic that Joel McHale, host of _The Soup_, does have a little crush on Ryan; he certainly talks about him a lot. Written after a conversation with [](http://allysonsedai.livejournal.com/profile)[**allysonsedai**](http://allysonsedai.livejournal.com/), who along with [](http://lillijulianne.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://lillijulianne.livejournal.com/)**lillijulianne** gave it the once-over, but also secretly dedicated to another dear friend who shall remain nameless.
> 
> To this author, the consent in this fic is very clear and open, so I've not put a warning on the story, but your mileage may vary.

I know, I know, the whole thing is ridiculous. Absurd. Criminal, even. But just go with me here. It ends well.

My "appearances" on The Soup had been increasing lately—which I love, of course I love it, more attention and airtime for me, why wouldn't I?—but the tosses on Fridays were definitely getting sillier. I mean, "Mr. Whiskers"? Pot, kettle, Joel. Pot, kettle.

So after I saw Friday's show I sent him an email inviting him up to my office Tuesday evening, not saying why, letting him sweat it out a few days. With the weirdo schedule I keep I have a lot of sleeping aids around, prescription and not, so while he was up in my office I slipped a little something into his coffee. Not like, GHB—nothing more than knockout drops. I only needed twenty or so minutes.

I sat behind my desk, he in the chair in front of it, watching him get increasingly nervous as I talked about nothing, about Britney, about Jake and Reese (good for her, I say; very clever to spend time as a beard while getting over your husband, and a PR gain on both sides), and then his eyelids started to droop. I got up and shook his shoulder, gently, and when he didn't stir, I got to work. I turned on the three lamps and flicked off the overhead light, double locked the door so even the cleaning crew couldn't come in, and closed the curtains. I took off his shirt and used some handcuffs to lock his wrists to the chair, behind his back. I took off shoes, socks, jeans and briefs, carefully folding them all and placing them on the other chair. Then I went back to my desk and answered email until he woke up.

"Oh, god," he said, stirring, lifting his head to look at me. "Did I fall asleep? That's embarrassing, I didn't think I was that—" his voice stopped as he tried to move his arms. "What? What the hell, Seacrest?"

I smiled at him as I got up from my desk. "Giuliana thinks you have a crush on me," I said, turning his chair with my foot so he was facing me. "And you know, I think she's right."

"Come on," Joel said, struggling against the cuffs again. "What are you going to do, rape me?"

I laughed as I unbuttoned my shirt cuffs. "I won't have to. Besides, you're one of those big strong straight guys who maybe fooled around with a couple of guys in college, am I right?" I pulled off my shirt, hanging it on the rack behind the door.

"I'm straight, Seacrest. I'm married."

"Unfortunately being married doesn't always mean you're straight," I said, kicking off my loafers, "but I believe you. Of course, being straight doesn't mean you can't have a crush on me." I unbuttoned my jeans as I walked toward him. "So what did you do? A few kisses while the girls were watching?" I put a hand behind his head, but he was compliant, even turning toward me as I placed my lips on his. The first kiss was soft, just a greeting, and I pulled back to smile at him, rubbing my hand against his neck to soothe him before moving in again for a real kiss, my tongue slipping into his mouth. He responded even better than I'd hoped, rising up to me as best he could, and when I pulled away again I said, "Even better when you help."

"Thanks, I guess," he said, a little breathless, and licked his lips.

"Where was I? Oh, yes, we were talking about you." I pushed off my jeans and laid them on the couch, so I stood before him in just my dark grey boxer briefs. "Maybe you had some fraternity pledge suck you off as part of one of those humiliation rituals you boys like," I said, and oh, his cock was starting to pay attention. I knelt in front of him and licked a wet stripe along the top of his cock, and he gasped, struggling again in his restraints. "Or maybe," I said, tapping my fingertips along his dick, "you were the one kneeling. Were you, Joel?"

"What?" he said, blinking.

"Try to pay attention, this is important. Did you ever have a cock in your mouth?"

He swallowed. "Um, yeah, once. A friend, we were a little high, we did each other. But just the once."

I nodded, then stood up in front of him. His cock had caught up to mine, half hard in his lap, so I felt comfortable slipping off my briefs. "But that isn't what you think about when you think about me, is it, Joel?" I straddled him, settling into his lap, making sure his cock was nestled between my cheeks. "You want to fuck me, don't you?"

"Um," he said.

"God, that's so sweet, you're blushing. I've seen you checking out my ass, Joel."

"Oh," he said, still not looking at me, but off to the side at the curtained window.

I kissed his ear, then licked along the tendon in his neck. "Oh, don't be so tense, honey," I said, rubbing my hands along his broad shoulders. "Or embarrassed. Lots of men want to fuck me. Straight men, too. You don't think I know that?" I placed my hand on his cheek, turning him to face me, and gave him another kiss, starting to rub my ass against his lap, his cock. "I'd love it, too," I said, looking him right in the eye. "I'd sit right in this chair and ride your big cock, feel your strong hands all over me, keeping me from falling as I moved up and down."

"God, Ryan," he said, and kissed me, all forceful masculinity, and I gave into him for a minute, compliant in his lap, whimpering a little.

When he broke that kiss we were both breathing heavily, and I had to close my eyes for second and lick my lips. "But we can't do that," I said, and stood up again.

"What?" Joel shouted. "Why not?" He pulled at his cuffs again, then used his feet to turn his chair to follow me as I walked around the room. "Were you just teasing me?"

"No, god, no," I said, pulling open a lower desk drawer and hitting the latch to its secret compartment. "I meant all of that. But my old man, see, he likes to think he owns my ass. He's not jealous—he loves watching other people lust after me, actually; it feeds his ego which, trust me, does _not_ need any feeding—but he _is_ possessive, and he doesn't like other people fucking me. And you know, my old man, he treats me pretty well and I like to keep him happy. Well, as happy as he gets."

"Wait," Joel said, "wait, you and Cowell really _are_ fucking, aren't you?"

"No-no-no-no-no," I said, shaking my finger. "We aren't just fucking. We're in love." I grabbed the things I needed and closed the drawer. "Wow, I don't think I've said that out loud like that before, I mean, to someone who didn't know. Wow."

"Um, congratulations?" Joel said.

"Thanks," I replied, and I could feel myself smiling.

"Geez, look at you," Joel said. "You don't even hide it that well."

"Thank god for heteronormativity," I said. "Speaking of which, I bet that your wife wouldn't be that pleased to hear that you've been sticking your cock into someone else, either."

"Yeah, no, she wouldn't," Joel said.

"And you love your wife, and your baby and your family and it's silly to let a crush cause any harm to that," I said.

Joel sighed, and then looked down at the floor. "She knows."

I cocked my head. "She knows what?"

"About my crush. She knows about my crush."

"Really? And what does she think?"

"She thinks it's funny."

"Good for her. Even more reason not to fuck me, don't you think? We'll have to think of something else."

Joel glanced at my desk. "But you got out a condom and some lube. Oh, god."

"Be honest, Joel. When you're thinking about me, and jacking off, what are you really thinking about? You start out fucking me, right? But what comes into your head at the end, what puts you over the edge?"

"Um."

"You've thought about it. Have you ever had a girl put a finger or two up your ass, Joel? Felt good, didn't it?"

"I'm not _gay_."

"It's not the act that makes you gay, Joel. I'm just a crush. You love your wife. I bet if you told your wife about this, she'd do it, too."

"She does. I mean, with the fingers. She does. God, why am I telling you this?"

"Because you're naked and handcuffed to a chair in my office," I answered. "But you want more, don't you?"

"No."

"Joel."

"Don't," he said, and his voice threatened to crack.

I stood next to him, rubbing his shoulder and neck. "Say it." I lay his head against my stomach and ran a hand through his hair. "Tell me what you want."

After a minute, where I just listened to his breath and stroked him gently, he said, "I want you to fuck me," he said, his face buried in my body.

I kissed the top of his head. "That wasn't so bad, was it? Okay, I'm going to let you up so I can give you what you want. And you want it, so you're not going to fight me, right? You weren't just saying that, were you?"

"No, I wasn't just saying that," Joel replied, hanging his head a little. "I do want you to fuck me."

"Head up high," I said, lifting up his chin. "Nothing to be ashamed of. And I'm going to make it so good for you, Joel. You're going to love it." I kissed him, then went to the desk to grab the key.

I unlocked the cuffs and he shook out his arms. "Thanks," he said, not really moving otherwise.

"Stand up," I said, "and bend over the desk. This part is easier that way."

He nodded and did as he was told, docile as a lamb. I took my time, kissing down his spine as I slipped one, then two lubed fingers into his ass, and his voice hitched a little but he was definitely used to it, rolling his spine and sticking his ass out. Fingering apparently wasn't a sometime thing in the McHale household. I scissored my fingers, opening him wider, and he moaned. "God, just _do_ it."

"Patience, Joel," I said. "Lay on the couch, on your back." I moved my jeans to the love seat as he positioned himself, then quickly rolled the condom on and lubed myself up and Jesus, the lust in his eyes as he watched me, but still a little apprehension. "You know, there are plenty of small dog-big dog mixes. It isn't so strange."

He grinned, and then laughed. "No, it isn't," he agreed.

"But whether I can kiss you depends on how flexible you are," I admitted.

Joel, surprisingly, flipped his legs up into almost a shoulder stand. "Pilates," he said.

"You're so Hollywood," I said, shaking my head, but glad the tension was broken. "Put 'em down." I knelt on the couch between his legs and eased my cock into his tight little hole. "Okay?" I asked.

"Yeah, yeah, it's good," he said, looking at my cock.

"You feel good," I said, easing in another inch, then two, slow and steady, watching his face. Finally I was buried inside him, my hips up against the back of his thighs, and he was curved like a bow under me. I leaned down and gave him a nice hot kiss, and he kissed back just as strong as ever. "Ready?" I asked.

"Hell yeah," he said, with that goofy smile of his, and I had to kiss him again because he was just that delicious.

Then I started thrusting, slow and deep, twisting just a little, finding his prostate and making him shudder, and he was good, especially for a first time, pushing up to meet me, and for one little second I was envious of his wife even though she wouldn't feel this like I could. "Just think," I said, "when she does this you'll get tits to play with."

"Bonus," Joel said, laughing a little. "You don't miss them?"

I shook my head. "I don't have to." He raised an eyebrow and I said, "Simon, he …"

"Oh yeah," Joel said. "Ryan, that's really weird."

"I know," I said. "Gonna go faster now." I started to thrust harder and faster, and reached a hand down to his cock, hard and leaking between us. His hands were on my ass, his stomach muscles crunched, and god his body was hot, and I was getting closer and wanted him to come with me, or at least before me. He was grunting and groaning and squeezing me, and then I felt a long finger sliding into my ass and oh. god. yeah.

"Faster," he said. "I can take it." And he could, because I was pounding into him, stroking his cock roughly, and he was breathing heavily and then he shouted, coming all over our stomachs, and I didn't have to hold on any longer, and pushed him hard, almost back into that shoulder stand, coming inside of him.

He'd let go of my ass so I sat back, collapsing onto the couch, letting him stretch back out. After a minute I hopped up, walking into the ensuite to discard the condom and get a wet cloth. "Here," I said, tossing it to him.

"God, neat freak, are you _gay_ or something?" Joel said, and I snickered that he'd snapped right back to his old self.

"What? I like to be clean," I replied, catching the cloth and wiping myself off, then going into the bathroom and rinsing it off. "Speaking of which, you should probably, um, use this before you drive home." I flicked on the fan and put the can of air freshener on the sink.

"What?" he asked, sitting up. "Oh. Um, okay, yeah, I will," he said, and grabbed his clothes and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Just as I was slipping my briefs back on, my phone rang, and since it was set to ring for only one person, and the ring was "Sexyback", I knew who it was. "Hey."

"Why am I on speaker?" Simon asked, annoyed.

"Because I'm putting my clothes back on."

"Is he still there?"

"He's in the bathroom."

"Ah. How was it?"

"Pretty fantastic."

"Work out okay?"

"Yeah. Like a charm. Thanks for your suggestions."

"And you taped it for me?"

"Audio, yes. But just for you. I know how you like to hear me talk dirty."

"I _do_. And I've never heard you seduce someone."

"I certainly didn't have to seduce _you_." I heard the toilet flush. "He's coming back now," I said.

Joel was walking out just as Simon said, "All right. Call me later."

"I'll talk to you later," I replied, and hung up.

"God, do you talk to him after _everything_ you do?" Joel asked.

"No," I said. "But when he's on another continent, it's hard. Feel better?"

"Um, yeah, thanks for the tip," he said, putting on his shoes.

"Of course." I shut down my laptop and slipped it into my bag. "Ready to head out?"

Joel patted down his pockets. "Yeah, I have everything, I'm ready."

"Kiss for the road?" I asked.

He smiled broadly. "Got a box to stand on?"

"Don't need one," I said, and leapt into his arms, quickly enough that he caught me just by instinct, and my arms wrapped around his shoulders, and his hands were full of my ass, which I knew he kinda wanted. "Advantages to being small," I said, and kissed him.

He backed up, leaning against the door, and we made out—snogged as Simon would say—until we were breathless again.

"You should go," I said, though I didn't move.

"I should go," he said, and I let go of him and he set me back down on the floor. "This is just, I mean, this—"

"One time thing," I said, grabbing some scrap paper and writing on it. "You should be able to get what you want from your wife after this." I handed him the paper. "Shanna likes this place. She gets costumes there. Very female friendly without making you feel like Oprah is about to walk in. Take her there and get what you need."

Joel looked down at the address, then folded the paper and put it in his wallet. "Thanks. I will. Um, so does this mean you have a crush on me too?"

"Yes, Joel," I said, shaking my head as I turned out the lamps. "Of course." We walked out, shutting my door behind us.

As we walked down the hall, Joel said, "So Simon is okay with this, I guess."

"Who do you think those handcuffs belong to?" I asked, laughing.


End file.
